DONUT SHOP STAREDOWN

Yesterday, Saturday Sept. 26, was FOOTBALL DAY. The USC (University of So. CAlif. for those of you who don't know what USC is ) Football Team played at home in the beloved Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. It was an at Home Football Game Day. It's a day that thousands (perhaps hundreds of thousands) of us USC fans with kindred souls migrate, like lemmings being called to the cliff, to "Downtown L.A. " to sit on barren, treeless, sun scorched parking lots to participate in the All American pastime of TAILGATING. Tailgating is rite of passage it is every bit of Americana as Apple Pie, Baseball and BMW's.

The pregame ritual is : Haul "Ass" and drive like crazy to arrive at the PARKING STRUCTURE. TO: (1) SECURE A PREFERRED PARKING SPOT BY 10:00 A.M., (2) set up "CAMP", (3) drink beer unitl 7:00 P.M. (4) Stagger to the game, (5) watch it through blurry, bloodshot eyes, (6) anxiously watch the game time clock, (7) be the first to leave the game, (8) hurry back to the parking lot before the game is over to beat the traffic (if you are lucky you might be able to get out of the parking after only a one hour wait), hoping you are sober enough not to get a DUI( it seems as though every uniformed L.A. cop is in attendance, it is a great time to commit crime elsewhere in L.A.),(9) drive home and congratulate yourself on another GREAT day in paradise.

Tailgating is, contrary to popular opinion, both an art and a science. Proper tailgating takes preparation. There are pre-season meetings with tailgate-ees to discuss menus and booze and digital t.v. reception. Discussion about who will bring what stuff and discussions about the other flaky tailgaters who don't bring much of anything....but who cares we are there to have fun and have the best "camp" on the lot. I'm thinking about having tailgating competiton amonst the various parking spaces; best dressed, best food, best liqour, drunkest "gaters".

The four principle "Gaters" in our group all have SUV"S. Of course three of the four have foreign made SUV's that are really station wagons in disguise. No-one wants to call their autos a station wagon, it is so '50's. However, my ride is all American steel, a GM pre-bankruptcy behemoth, an Arnold mobile, it is a H_2 HUMMER or as the French call them a "HOOOOMAIR" (RHYMES WITH HAIR). It is the perfect tailgating vehicle, wide, spacious, obnoxious looking, takes up more than one space. The Chinese now own the right to mfg. Hummers, crazy, huh?


Yesterday was the culmination of all this planning, scheming, and gathering of food and booze (including 6 delicious gallons of MARGARITAS). The day began with me going to the WESTWOOD VIILAGE. HOME OF THE UCLA (YEEECHHH) BRUUINS. My chore was to get a gazillion ice cubes for the sodas, water and BEER, AND TO GET BREAKFAST: consisting of DONUTS. Getting the ice is easy. I mean ice is ice. Donuts however are a different matter. Donuts take thought, especially, when you are trying to figure out which donuts taste best with beer and which donuts go with margaritas, sodas etc. I go the VILLAGE, decked out in my USC finest reagalia, USC T-shirt with mighty trojans enblazened across my expanded chest. A USC hat. I'm USC ALL OVER in UCLA TOWN. I'm not afraid. While I'm pondering my donut choices, I notice this fellow approach the counter and he is wearing wimpy assed powder blue shorts, a white Tee and a baby blue hat with a little baby bear on it. He looks familiar, he's checking me out, i'm checking him out. all of a sudden, I get the premonition: this fellow is the Bruin football head coach, Rick Neuheisal. All of a sudden we are in a stare down. I'm not backing down so I profoundly say: "Got the day off, eh coach?" He says, " Yep, gonna take some time off and gonna have some fun." With my eagle eye stare, I dart back: "Cool". I pick up my box of assorted and quietly leave the donut shop. I know when I'm outgunned. I know how to hold 'em and I know how to fold 'em. It was time for me to move on.

My group got to the parking lot at exactly 10:00 and found to our surprise that on all this huge expanse of parking lot with over 500 parking spaces that there were only 499 spaces left. The place was empty. I was wondering if we had the correct day. Perhaps the game got canceled? Needless to say my fellow "Gaters" were a little p.o.'ed that I made them leave Deer Valley (not the real name) to get to my house by 8:30. Deer Valley is over an hour away.


Early, shmirley, we set up camp, got the digital tube fired up and then sat down....that's all we needed to do, we just sat down...and so the day went....football t.v., tons of margs., my famous light you on fire humongous burritos...more margs. I'm sure you get the picture....all in all, it was a successful day, nobody went to jail that I know of....I wasn't lined up in the Coliseum tunnel by L.A.P.D. and oh yeah, BTW, the USC Football team won.